apples

Can't wait to find out

2008-01-26T12:48:00.000-08:00

My last night as seventeen is ending. I had a nice shabbat with my family. I went to a rehearsal at mehola. I came home and studied while my family and some friends watched 'The Importance of Being Earnest' in the living room.

It's been a big year. So much has happened. I can't really fit it all inside my head.

I'm going to bed now, as a seventeen year old. When I wake up I'll be eighteen. Does it really matter? I guess not. I won't be different. I'll still be me :)

I'm gonna call Yotam to say goodnight.

I wonder where I'll be next year?

:)

Can't wait to find out.

if only

2008-01-21T15:04:00.000-08:00

la da da da dum da da dum

music is worthless unless if can make a complete stranger break down and cry

i've been singing in my head all day

everythings going to be all right

i could write about all the things i might worry about

but no. there's no need

and it's late. i'm so sleepy

good night moon :)

sleepyhead/remember me

2007-12-15T12:09:00.000-08:00

i read a poem today, in abook called bounce, called remember me. it was so sad

yotmas in london

i'm tired. the strike is over

i feel strange

i'm dancing everyday now. oh, except tuesdays

what am i ti with my life?

you will find it out dont worry.

2007-11-23T13:52:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this from yotam's apartmen. It's friday night and i'm sleeping over even though my parents told me not too. I don't know what's going on. Everyone seems so sad. Yotam is talking to Liza in the kitchen. I feel so alone. My life is a mess. Maybe it will be better in the morning...

Hazy, Lazy days of strike

2007-10-25T04:17:00.000-07:00

The strike stretches on into infinity. It's been more than two weeks.

I don't even remember what my last post was. Not that it matters. I'll just blabber on.

I was with Yotam last night. We played munchkin with tzachi and liza and then we watched ghost world. It was fun. I'm so in love with him :)

I've been thinking that when i was smaller my head was so much more full of stories. I'd walk home from school or just sit on my own and think of things. Invent pokemon or imagine what it would be like to be an animorph or an aes sedai or make up my own little worlds. And now that happens so much less. So often I walk down the street on a beautiful day and I think, "what a beautiful day". Nothing more.

Where have all my stories gone?

Maybe their still here. I just gotta look for them.

I don't think I'll go to Caesaria this weekend.

wild dogs

2007-10-15T03:16:00.000-07:00

The strike is still on. It's been almost a week now - five days, I think. Today was the first day I made it to school for Moshe Meir's "torah lishma" class. It was okay - kind of intersting, but not very. I don't think I'll be going every day. Unlikely.

The reasons I haven't been able to make it - on Wday I went to Hadassah with Jacob to work on our biology thing. We cut up rat intestines...disturbing but strangely fun. It felt like crossing some basic line, but it was okay because it was for a good cause. Strange. And then on Thursday I went to Tel Aviv for a modiin interview.

It was a long bus ride, and I felt calm and happy the whole way. I was alone, watching the scenery go by, feeling like a wanderer moving on from a place that's gotten old. I think I just have a romantic thing for long bus rides. Maybe since the end of the 2nd season of Buffy...but I think from before.

So I got there, and I met the pretty girl who had been with me and netanel and yarden at the tests a million years ago. We sat together and filled out their forms. It was nice to have someone to talk to. They were playing MTV in the waiting room, and I now realize how completely retarded that vast majority of music videos are. It's like they have no imagination. Here we'll stick some flying oranges...then a few psychadelic flashes...and a liberal sprinkling of hot babes. And when the singer can't dance, but still tries...so sad. I finally went in to the interview.

It was pretty disappointing. I obviously didn't do well on the tests, as I suspected, cuz I didn't get into Tirgum. What I can do sounds incredibly boring - translating phone conversations or random documents. I'm really thinking I don't want to do it...which leaves me wide open.

Until now I was sure that if I did go to the army, I'd want to do Arabic...now I don't know anymore. Maybe english modiin? Maybe something else completely? Computers or whatever? I don't know. And it's scary because I know I have to decide, and soon. I probably won't go to the army. Sherut leumi is looking good right now. But that means I have to look into that. Do work, research, blergh. I think I have a phobia for accomplishing things.

I'm off to do stuff now - back a la bet noir maybe, play piano. See yotam later :) and watch a movie with naomi et all. And jazz later of course...ttyl. :)

Life goes easy on me (most of the time)

2007-10-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start. And i have the feeling i wrote that already. It's late, I'm tired, and i'm pissed cuz i wanna talk to my boyfriend so i'm not gonna write every little detail of what's been going on, which is good cuz it would probably just bore me and you.

It's still succot. Tommorow's erev chag, then thursday is it - the last day. Or maybe tommorow's the last day already? I don't even know. But it's been a nice chag. I was at iCon sunday monday.

iCon. I could write pages. The first day, sunday, was funnest. Took a bus there in the morning with Naomi, Yarden and a girl named Meital. I met one of the girls I danced with last year whose name I now suddenly cannot remember. Noga and -. It was the -. That was cool. Why am i writing that? minor detail. Moving on.

It was fun! There were lots of people. Lots of people in costumes. Lots of comics. We went to a roleplaying class, and saw a cool werewolf movie, and we watching buffy and I learned the moonwalk and we played kwakwa dela oma in the middle of the floor and I saw lots of Yotam's friends (miriam made a gorgeous corset) and I missed him alot all day :( It would have been (roughly) a thousand times more fun with him there. But still it was cool :)

And then at night me and Naomi's bf Yishai made our way to Yotam's apartment. Turns out Yishai's bi and I might have hit on him if we hadn't both been so exhausted by the time we got there...and if that wasn't enough I set off the alarm when entered and the police almost came but luckily Yotam's cousin was there to save the day.

We slept on the couch. In the morning something awful happened with a baby outside on the street...not a nice way to start the day. But then me and Yishai had breakfast and talked about gay stuff so it was okay.

Second day was cool also...don't feel like going into details. Saw a Terry Pratchett miniseries but got bored and left in the middle. Writing workshop with Keren. Then rode home on the bus with a really nice girl who i think i met in ofek while I was there. We talked about Harry Potter and stuff. Then I got home to my loving family :)

And I talked to Yotam last night! He's in Paris now. I miss him so much. I wish he'd come back.

I could write more...Oh! Gizmo's with us now, until Thursday at least. Dr. Pepper's scared to death of him, but that's no more than expected. Everyone loves him (of course). He's a fluffy bundle of love.

Me Git and Eli made a little movie featuring him this morning. I hope to make another one tommorow. :)

That's all for now...I'm going to bed (unless Yotam comes online the next few minutes (please!)). Nice talking to ya :) 'Night for now.

Sleep Don't Weep

2007-09-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

It's Friday afternoon, I finished my piano lesson, Yair's down stairs (i'm in my room) taking his now. We went on a hike to סטף today with the Gorenbergs which was lots of fun :) I really like those guys, especially Elisheva. She's so sweet and talented and cool! Love her.

It's סוכות now, btw. We made our סוכה out on the grass, and it's very nice. Simply decorated - not extravagant. Some day I want to plan out the entire succa and decorate it gorgeously. This year we hung up some of our old decorations and pictures - paper cutouts and pipe cleaner chains and pretty stuff like that. The girls (I think it was) hung up a string with popcorn and raisins. :) Me and Eli made a decoration of origami balloons that looks kind of like an אשכול of grapes. Chana hung up a picture of Moshe Hayim and also the 3D art i made in Ofek that I gave her, and also a belly dancing skirt over the door which looks really nice and special :) We had Bobby, Diane and Meyir over for lunch yesterday. It was fun.

Last night I went out with Netta, after meeting up with her and Naomi for a few hours in the afternoon. First we went to the T-Market, which is a big T shirt convention. We went with Naomi and her boyfriend ישי who seems like a really nice guy (although not on Naomi's beauty level). It was lots of fun- there were so many stylish, sexy, funny shirts, every size shape and color under the sun. They were all so expensive, though. :( In the end I bought some long black glove for Ayelet (who needs cheering up because Boaz is going away to the Technion) and an orange t-shirt with a pride graffiti on it that Yotam really likes: Two male lions getting it on (like the Jerusalem flag) and it says: ירושלים של כולם. :) Yotam's gonna love it!

One other cute thing - when the girls told Yishai that I was buying the shirt for my boyfriend, he said, "מה, הוא חובב בנים?" That made me laugh. :)

Then Naomi and Yishai went to Emek Refaim and me and Netta went to town. I can't write it all down...it was such a long night. We went to the מרקיה, we practiced flirting, we tried to buy beer, we went to a giant succa, we met Sky, we hung out with Elisheva (not Gorenberg, Nechemia's sister) and Rivka. Three words I won't be forgetting: fancy a fuck? God, it sounds so vulgar in writing. But it was hilarious :)

Eventually Netta had to go...I met Gabe and Michael and Guy and Gideon and Benji...we sat in a bar...I went to the shushan, but Shlomi wasn't there. I may go tommorow night. :)

And then Benji gave me this huge revelation, that he had sex with another guy a little while ago. I didn't really know what he wanted me to say. I said it was cool, great, that he's trying new things and learning about himself and all. I think he may have wanted to do stuff with me - not sure, that might just be me being ego-y. But anyway I think we became closer because of that. :)

And he also told me that everyone in our class apparently has known I'm gay since the summer, which is cool, cuz it obviously doesn't matter to them. It's nice that they know :) Also Michael apparently stood up for me (I wasn't there of course) against some gay bashing girl...which is so sweet of him.

So it was and interesting night, but I only got home about 330 and I had to get up at 830 for the hike so I'm completely exauhsted. The lesson with Angela went okay. I need to practice more, (of course).

Yotam's still in Europe...I really hope he's having fun. I miss him :( I miss his smile and his face and his warm body. I wrote a poem about it. Maybe I'll write it up here if I can find it....

That's all for now. Love you :) שבת שלום!

Last night I went out with Netta. First we went to

Goodbye Love

2007-09-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

SO much has happened since my last post. I'm just gonna let it flow.

A few nights ago (seems like a long time. two weeks ago maybe?) I was at Yotam's place. I was feeling kind of strange, and he was pressured and kind of distracted, I guess. And he was showing me his photo album of his pictures from high school. And there he was with all of his friends. He was kind of cute back then, but he's much better looking now, and his friends are all just normal people. But they're all so connected to each other. There are pictures of five of them dressed up one time as Air, Earth, Fire, Water, and Spirit. Yotam was Spirit. They read the Wheel of Time at the same age that I did. But they had each other to share it with.

Seeing all those picures, I suddenly felt so incredible lonely. Yotam has this warm world of him and his friends. I have nothing like that. The closest I could get were these pictures.

I was lying with my head in Yotam's lap and I started crying. Quietly. And then after a moment Yotam noticed. I'll never forget the sound he made - 'אוי-' so soft and caring. He held me and I cried and cried. I was letting so much out. All my frustration about Yotam's distraction, about sex, about school and my confusion about life. He just held me and I sobbed. And afterwards I felt so much better :)

I cried again on Yom Kippur. That was an interesting day. I mostly fasted, except for a little water and some popcorn. ;) Me, Netta, Gabe, and some other people went on the usual Yom Kippur night walk along Emek Refaim. That was fun :) Naomi taught me how to do 'shanes' (a dance move). Need practice :-p. And we met a lot of cool people. This pair fo twins...forget their names...Yuval and Alon I think? They were in Ofek and later one of them came to the Open House along with another guy, who we also saw. Yuval (I think) we met first, and he rode his bike along with us and told us all about his trip to England with his friend's for the release of Harry Potter seven. He's kind of cute. I wonder if he's gay? Likely. He kind of reminds me of Yotam as a teenager...

And there were these two really cool girls who were friends of Naomi's who used to dance jazz with her. The four of us walked home together and the whole way we sang Black Eyed Peas (they were at the concert we missed cuz we were in Poland) and...Britney Spears! One of the girls (Racheli, I think) really loves her! It was so cool. I'd start singing a Britney song no one else would recognize and she'd join in. It was great :) I told her we need to have a Britney dance party sometime. She liked the idea. I actually really want to :)

And then the next day. I got up late and went to shul. I got tired of being inside very quickly so I went out to walk the empty streets. I sat down on a bus stop on פיר קנג. I was thinking of the end of Ghost World where the girl goes to the out of use bus stop with her bag, and the bus comes and takes her away. I wished a bus would come. I so wanted to be gone. To be somewhere else. To start over in a new life where I would do everything better. And then I started to cry.
Seems like crying's all I do these days.

I want to write a song with that in it...

I finished the story I started in Poland but i don't know how good it is.

So much stuff...went to the Shushan last night with David. Yotam's in Europe now. My goal for the chag is to make with Shlomi, the bartender. Had lots of fun with David (we ate sushi) but didn't get to talk to Shlomi. Next time ;)

I'm really tired now...I gtg. I was at Hayah's tonight. We had a little team reuinion (Yedidya declined to attend). It was fun :) I got a book from Bat Zion that I'm not sure I'm gonna read cuz it's all about this gay guy and his best girl friend.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the wrong life. Like there's all sorts of things that are missing...like in that one book in Animorphs. But I'll write about that later, I guess.

Good night for now :)

The Tinkling of the Piano

2007-09-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

I just finished a piano lesson, which went surprisingly well. Angela was impressed by the improvement in my reading - I guess all the practice this summer did accomplish something. :)

And then Yair steps up the the plate - effortlessly knocks off a perfect set of scales while I'm relegated to photocopying notes from an ancient, classy looking book that he and Angela are gonna play (4 hands). I can hear him playing now. Stupid talented people. Hate em all.

Kidding! Yair, I love you. Even though you're so damn good at everything (growl)...

Gimme More

2007-09-16T04:00:00.000-07:00

Just got home from school. We finished early today, because of צום גדליה and because of our special מערכת which stuck English in the middle of today, giving all of us English speakers who finished last year a nice big hole in the middle of our other classes. It'll be interesting to see how that works out.

School wasn't that bad! Not bad at all, in fact. I got a nice seat at the front of the class up by the wall (apparently Benji wants the wall seat too, so we're gonna switch off on that), and we had our first Talmud lesson which went very well. He gave out a page of משנה and a page of questions, which is how he's gonna be teaching a lot this year, and we did the questions and it went good. I think that style works for me.

Also Gila showed us this new program thats going to keep track of all of our grades and "התנהגות" throughout the year. The "discipline" part sounds very iffy, but hopefully it won't be abused. I don't think it was designed with out school in mind, considering we don't really have violence of any kind...the worst thing that could happen would be skipping class or serial lateness, i guess. And the keeping track of grades stuff sounds good.

And now I'm home...I called the army, they're gonna call me back...Gonna call מחולה later...and i'm gonna go to the gym. And I have a piano lesson today! Don't forget...okay, now I'm obsessing. I don't need to write every little detail. It's not the Truman Show. I'll stop now. Just have to dload Britney's new single and then I'm off to gym land (where I haven't been in way to long). Cya!

God, I did not mean to write that much. Wieeerd...

The Last Year

2007-09-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

This is it. The last year of my life as I know it. This time next year I have no idea where I'll be. This summer was my last summer vacation...school is almost over. The end is close. I can almost taste it. And that scares me like hell.

Poland is over. It was good. I don't think I got as much out of it as other's may have, but that doesn't matter. The most powerful moment was coming out of the gas chambers at Meidanik and seeing the beautiful, sunlit world, and then looking up and seeing a rainbow shimmering against the sky. It made me feel so fiercely happy to be alive, to be in love, not be to be hated or hunted. To be free.

We got back on Wday morning. We landed about four, I was home at about six thirty. By eight I was at Yotam's :) It took longer to get there cuz of the move...I had to walk down to emek refaim and take a bus from there. So it's like the old walk, plus a bus ride. But it's fine. I was so happy when I saw his face. His smile :) I walked in and found people sleeping on the floor of his living room (surprise) and there was even someone sleeping in his bed. (With a super cool mohawk!). So there was no hanky panky for a while, until she went out and we were alone. It was wonderful :) :) :)

And Then chag...three days! Two days of rosh hashana, one day of shabbat. It was very fun - filled with friends :) I saw Naomi and Netta and Shira Rosen and Elisheva (who makes beautiful dresses, I discovered) and Hadas and Yarden, and these three Young Judea girls stayed over with us - Alix and Vicki, British, and Shira, Canadian. They were very fun, especially Alix. We played Taboo and Apples to Apples. Lots of Apples to Apples.

And Keren! Of course. Lots of time with Keren. She lives so close now! She has for a while. I can't believe I haven't been taking advantage of it. It's like I've been in a daze for the past three years...what have a I been doing? What have I been thinking? I don't know...I don't remember...that's partly why I'm writing this...so in the future I can look back and remember who I was. What I was like. What I was thinking. I wonder what the 21 year old me will think. Probably, "if only i had known to stockpile food for the nuclear war in 2009." That's my witty comment for this post. :)

So I'll be spending a lot more time with Keren hopefully :)

The bartender at the shushan gave me a free beer! Have I already posted this? I don't think so. Anyway we went out on Sian's last night here to the Shushan and had tons of fun. There was this British guy hitting on me...and the bartender...that was a wonderful night :)

I should probably go...Yotam is gonna call me soon, and I need to get ready for school tommorow. And play some piano tonight, hopefully, and maybe finish a story I started writing in Poland. Yotam says he wants to read it when it's done. I hope it comes out good :)

Love Moshe :)

2007-09-03T02:23:00.000-07:00

Poland looms. Hayah's wedding last night! It was such incredible fun :) I taught the team plus Sian and Yoni the Fergalicious dance! And we just danced crazy. And I talked to Molly and Welsh Lewis and Talia, and got dancing compliments. And Yoni said I'm "incredible talented". I don't really know what he means, but it made me happy :)

Then I took Molly to the Uni. Pub to meet some guy, and then I took a cab to יותםs :)

Where I woke up this morning :)

Some reminders:

Propoganda: Action! Guns! Space! Kapow! Plus deep, meaningful relationships.
Also temptation of material wealth.

Pink folders for girls, blue for the boys. ;)

"Sometimes I think things that are so horrible it's best not to talk about them."

"Sometimes I feel the world is just passing me by." לפעמים אני מרגיש שהעולם חולף על פני...

אני מוקסם ומתרגש למראה אש...

AND:

אל תדעגו, יש מולטי-צ'רג'ר!!!

seasons of loooove

2007-09-02T03:42:00.000-07:00

So much stuff is going on! I got back from America about two weeks ago but it feels like I'v been here all summer! I can't possible write about it all. Well, maybe I will later when I have more time...now I'm working on last minute ספרות homework that's gotta be finished before I fly to Poland, i.e Tuesday. It's on רומן רוסי which isn't a bad book at all - maybe even great. I'm not sure yet - I'd probably have to finish it first. I've been reading fifteen pages a day (mostly) for almost the entire summer - it's got it's own little world inside of it that's nice to visit sometimes. Writing about it is more fun that reading, though.

I went to the צוללת הצהובה last night with יותם - it was so much fun :) He had been in Tel Aviv all שבת, after on Friday I helped him move all his stuff over into this new apartment - which is much farther away and is gonna be harder to get too :( But anyway we went to a drag king competition, and I saw Sahar and Or and we danced and they played Oops and it was wonderful :) I'm so in love :) :) :)

only you

2007-08-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

i'm only doing this for one person. i think i love him. i hope he knows. and i hope he loves me. until i know, until this uncomfortable blue rumble in my stomach stops, i guess i'll try writing. later :)