Goodbye Love

SO much has happened since my last post. I'm just gonna let it flow.

A few nights ago (seems like a long time. two weeks ago maybe?) I was at Yotam's place. I was feeling kind of strange, and he was pressured and kind of distracted, I guess. And he was showing me his photo album of his pictures from high school. And there he was with all of his friends. He was kind of cute back then, but he's much better looking now, and his friends are all just normal people. But they're all so connected to each other. There are pictures of five of them dressed up one time as Air, Earth, Fire, Water, and Spirit. Yotam was Spirit. They read the Wheel of Time at the same age that I did. But they had each other to share it with.

Seeing all those picures, I suddenly felt so incredible lonely. Yotam has this warm world of him and his friends. I have nothing like that. The closest I could get were these pictures.

I was lying with my head in Yotam's lap and I started crying. Quietly. And then after a moment Yotam noticed. I'll never forget the sound he made - 'אוי-' so soft and caring. He held me and I cried and cried. I was letting so much out. All my frustration about Yotam's distraction, about sex, about school and my confusion about life. He just held me and I sobbed. And afterwards I felt so much better :)

I cried again on Yom Kippur. That was an interesting day. I mostly fasted, except for a little water and some popcorn. ;) Me, Netta, Gabe, and some other people went on the usual Yom Kippur night walk along Emek Refaim. That was fun :) Naomi taught me how to do 'shanes' (a dance move). Need practice :-p. And we met a lot of cool people. This pair fo twins...forget their names...Yuval and Alon I think? They were in Ofek and later one of them came to the Open House along with another guy, who we also saw. Yuval (I think) we met first, and he rode his bike along with us and told us all about his trip to England with his friend's for the release of Harry Potter seven. He's kind of cute. I wonder if he's gay? Likely. He kind of reminds me of Yotam as a teenager...

And there were these two really cool girls who were friends of Naomi's who used to dance jazz with her. The four of us walked home together and the whole way we sang Black Eyed Peas (they were at the concert we missed cuz we were in Poland) and...Britney Spears! One of the girls (Racheli, I think) really loves her! It was so cool. I'd start singing a Britney song no one else would recognize and she'd join in. It was great :) I told her we need to have a Britney dance party sometime. She liked the idea. I actually really want to :)

And then the next day. I got up late and went to shul. I got tired of being inside very quickly so I went out to walk the empty streets. I sat down on a bus stop on פיר קנג. I was thinking of the end of Ghost World where the girl goes to the out of use bus stop with her bag, and the bus comes and takes her away. I wished a bus would come. I so wanted to be gone. To be somewhere else. To start over in a new life where I would do everything better. And then I started to cry.
Seems like crying's all I do these days.

I want to write a song with that in it...

I finished the story I started in Poland but i don't know how good it is.

So much stuff...went to the Shushan last night with David. Yotam's in Europe now. My goal for the chag is to make with Shlomi, the bartender. Had lots of fun with David (we ate sushi) but didn't get to talk to Shlomi. Next time ;)

I'm really tired now...I gtg. I was at Hayah's tonight. We had a little team reuinion (Yedidya declined to attend). It was fun :) I got a book from Bat Zion that I'm not sure I'm gonna read cuz it's all about this gay guy and his best girl friend.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the wrong life. Like there's all sorts of things that are missing...like in that one book in Animorphs. But I'll write about that later, I guess.

Good night for now :)